I FOUND THE KEY 🗝

Originally published Apr 11, 2021

I want to share with you a very personal breakthrough I made recently. 

Up until a few weeks ago I was having a hard time moving forward, personally and professionally, and this past year I suffered from depression and anxiety, like so many others during this pandemic. I knew there was something deeper going on, other than this collective trauma we've been experiencing. Enter the onion peeling metaphor. 

Over this past year I've also had the opportunity of turning my childhood home that my father built into an Airbnb, thus turning it into my brother's and my home again. While this has been a joyful and healing experience, it forced me to face childhood traumas and the stories I had created for myself as a result. 

When I was seven years old my father committed suicide. While it's been almost thirty years, and I've done a ton of spiritual and emotional work around this, I began to discover there was a significant way I was sabotaging my chances of fully healing. 

Here's what I discovered that allowed me to break through my inability to experience personal and professional success. For most of my life I thought the pain of losing my father connected me to him, and therefore I was scared to let go of it. 

I was carrying this pain because on an unconscious level I thought it was my pain that connected me to him. Then someone very wise spoke the words I knew deep down, but needed to hear from someone else: "Your pain does not connect you to your father. It keeps you from connecting to him."

These words sent a jolt of electrifying joy though my being. I was free to feel joy with my father, not separate from him. He was free now too. 

Around this time I was also reading The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, exploring my Upper Limit Problem. It became so clear why I was only able to experience a certain level of happiness and success before I would let my "origin story" sabotage me. Unconsciously I thought, if I got to a high enough point I would lose my pain, and therefore I would lose my connection to my father. 

There is a certain part of us that is drawn to drama, samsara, suffering - whatever you want to call it. Hanging onto our pain is a way for us to get sucked into drama. That's why it can be so hard to let go of it. I know for a long time I wore my pain as a badge of honor, attracting toxic relationships and jobs.

There is also a part of us that is drawn to light, joy, beauty, love. When we can get really real about our past, we can begin to heal from it and move forward, as well as push our upper limit to new heights.

Your origin story, the story of your past does not define you. It grows you. If you can take the traumas of your past and turn them into lessons for your present, you will experience all the love and joy and success you deserve. It's definitely hard work creating new, positive beliefs, but happiness and success is your birthright. I now know this with every ounce of my being, and I know my father is so very proud I am finally allowing myself to truly thrive. 

Can you imagine if Clark Kent had never learned about or learned from his origin story? He may have never become Superman...