SHAME ON ME
If I had the choice, I would hide from the world the fact that I am a total perfectionist. I'm spontaneous, once I feel totally prepared. I'm a fast learner, after hours of studying. I like to make things look effortless, once I've made the effort to master things. Early in my childhood certain defining events taught me that perfection in life was the ultimate goal. Anything less than perfect had no place. I processed that to mean love and worthiness only came to those who were perfect. If you were perfect, people didn't leave you. If you were perfect, you were rewarded with praise and affection. If you were perfect, good things came to you. If you were perfect, you were happy.
Because total perfection is totally impossible, fear became the emotion that dominates my actions and reactions. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being unhappy. Fear of not being perfect. What I learned as a child quickly grew into a force of habit, a convenient way to justify my actions or more so, my lack of action. It was always easier to quickly blame my natural tendency to be fearful and my nagging need for perfectionism for all the things not right in my life and for the things I did and/or didn't do as a result.
I have had endless conversations with myself, trying to convince the voices in my head that if I were just a little more courageous and a little more flexible, my life would be easier. More satisfying. More fulfilling. More perfect. I would live with clarity. I would live in ease. I would be living my best life as my best self.
Yet, no matter how many pep talks I would have with myself, how many journal entries I would write to try and unpack this villainous limiting side of myself, I could never get to a point where I could fully accept these qualities in myself and be at peace with it so they were not my points of weakness but qualities of empowerment.
Often when I am in such a headspace, where I question things about myself and my life, I look to Brené Brown for clarity and insight. Brené Brown is a researcher and professor at the University of Houston, a storyteller, a lecturer, an author, a podcast host, and my #WCW (Woman-Crush-Wednesday). Brené's no-nonsense, brutal honesty and realness about life have helped me overcome a lot of dark moments in my life.
“When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, and fear is the annoying backseat driver.” - Brené Brown
It dawned on me one day that my kryptonite is neither my quest for perfection nor my paralysis from fear. Yes, they are definitely part of the guilty pity party that creates mountains out of anthills for me, but neither was the real source of all this negativity. The real limitation was in the amount of shame I attached to these qualities of myself.
When in balance, my perfectionism is a positive, motivating force in my life. Holding myself to a high standard is how I show up for others as a woman, a citizen of the world, a mom, an employee, a friend. It is where I source my strong work ethic, my commitment to myself and others, my perseverance and grit in the face of challenges. On many occasions, perfectionism has served me well. The same thing goes for fear. When used for good and not evil, fear has been the seed from which my courage blooms. When I can flip the script on fear and read the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as actual butterflies fluttering in anticipation, I shift my energy from anxiety to excitement creating a magical and powerful moment for myself.
"Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are possible of change."- Brené Brown
No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot find the healthy spin on shame. Shame is what fuels my fear. Shame is what discourages me. Shame adds pressure to that need to be perfect. Shame is what mutes my self awesome-talk. Shame is what feeds my guilt. Shame is what intensifies my regret. Shame is what cripples my actions. Shame is what holds me back from taking risks. Shame is what deters me from growth by pushing me to shy away from discomfort. Shame is what holds me back from trying. Shame is what pulls me away from my potential. Shame is what makes me always play safe. Shame is what triggers my bouts of depression. Shame is what convinces me to live small. Shame is what makes me believe that my flaws are weaknesses. Shame is what makes me believe that I am not perfect. Shame is what tells me I am not enough.
According to Brené, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” This was another a-ha moment for me. The realization that shame is an emotion - an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world. It is not a characteristic that defines who we are. We are not shame. I am not shame. I simply feel shame. And just like any other emotion and thought, I also have the power within myself to not feel shame.
I came to the conclusion that in order to truly accept and embrace my "villain side", I need to do more than just call out a few character flaws. Shame has to be brought into the conversation when doing the shadow work and is something I need to consistently keep in check. Shame is a narrative - the negative story I tell myself so I don't risk looking stupid or failing. It is not just the villain side of me that holds me back from being my most awesome self. Avoiding the feeling of shame is what also holds me back from accepting myself fully as I am. When I remove that cloud, I am able to shine a light on all aspects of what makes me special and unique. And those parts of me that are vulnerable, become character traits of strength. They are all part of my story. They are necessary as to what makes me authentic and true. And they are what makes me perfect, just as I am.